"… ’A gift isn't a gift if it's an obligation,’ say
etiquette writers Kim Izzo and Ceri Marsh. …”
“You only have so much free time.”
I recently read those words in an article on CNN.com. They
continue to bounce around in my head as I struggle not to feel guilty about no
longer always being at everyone else’s beck and call. After years of volunteering for as much as possible,
contributing to as much as possible, helping out committees of which I am not
even a member and generally being immediately accessible to answer questions,
dole out advice and more, learning to say no has been one of the greatest
challenges I’ve faced.
But why?
If you are a serial over-committer, you probably lack the
simple skill of being able to say no.
You feel bad about not helping.
You don’t want to make others mad.
You avoid conflict whenever possible. Saying “sure, I’ll help you out” is the way around all of
those negatives.
When you begin to refocus your priorities, if you are like
me, you feel incredibly guilty.
Learning to say “no” after years of always saying yes is no mean
feat. And, if you are like me,
choosing to invest time in something such as getting healthy, working out,
redirecting financial priorities or following a lifelong dream may just seem
selfish.
I’m struggling to remember it isn’t. It has been helpful to recognize that
some of the snarky reactions I receive when I say “no, I’m sorry, I won’t be
able to take that on” are based on other people’s own selfishness. Others don’t like to have their time
and their priorities cut into.
Therefore, we over-committers need to remember that these same folks
don’t seem to have a problem cutting into our time and priorities.
Each day on this new journey is a challenge. Here are some
of the tools and thoughts I try to incorporate as the map and traffic signs of
this new journey.
Prioritize.
For me, prioritizing means more than simply juggling all the balls in
the air. Sometimes, you have to
learn to put yourself first. That may mean taking a few balls out of the
rotation. Trouble is … if you’ve always responded with “sure, I’ll help you
out” or if you’ve always run here or there because that is what works in
someone else’s schedule, people just expect you to continue to do it.
Remember Nancy Reagan.
Her drug prevention slogan was pretty simple: “Just say no!”
Practice “no, thank you.”
It’s simple enough. But,
it’s still hard. Remember the
adage: practice makes perfect.
Remember, saying “no” is not mean. It is not selfish. Opting out of a task that will have costs
may mean you are finally putting your family’s finances first. Politely declining to add to your
workload means you are simply making time for other activities. Sometimes these priorities are parts of
life others simply take for granted. After all, if others have no problem going
to sleep at regular times or think having family meals is a normal part of
life, then why shouldn’t you? Your health should be just as important to you as
theirs is to them. Remember, your
family wants you to participate in their lives, to engage with them … just as
other people’s families do. If the
people asking you for output aren’t taking “work” to Saturday morning soccer
games, then why on earth should they be allowed to overburden you to the point
where you have to?
Put yourself first.
If everyone else can, why can’t you? If someone else thinks his or her schedule is more
important, then you shouldn’t feel guilty if you start to finally place some
importance on your own schedule.
Have a schedule.
Keep a calendar handy. Note
the time you need for things you want to accomplish – from making a family meal
to having time for daily exercise.
Put everything on your calendar.
The next time someone asks you for something, say, “Let me check my
calendar and get back to you.”
Then do just that. Taking time to look at your calendar that already has
all the little boxes crammed full gives you perspective.
Set “volunteer hours.”
When people call you for something, let them know that you’ll be happy
to speak to them during your regular volunteer time. Set a time. Put
it on your calendar. If you stop
always being available instantaneously, perhaps people will stop always taking
advantage. Remember, you don’t need to make everyone else’s priority your own! After all, these people do not care
about your priorities.
To do just that – keeping to my schedule – I’ve found it
helpful to keep this little ditty in the back of my mind:
“Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an
emergency on my part.”
Repeat.
Repeat repeatedly as needed.
Remember also that respect is a two-way street. If you are disrespected over and over
by those to whom you have given much, then walk away. They can learn to do it themselves.
You only get one life.
If everyone else wants to keep their own priorities, then learn to tell
them "no" so you can keep to your own.
No one is going to get healthy for you. No one can spend time with your family for you. No one can sleep for you. But, you can learn to make those things
your own priority.
Re-read.
Repeat. Repeat repeatedly until you are able to ... finally .... just say "No."