Trying Not to Strike a Sour Note

"… ’A gift isn't a gift if it's an obligation,’ say etiquette writers Kim Izzo and Ceri Marsh. …”

“You only have so much free time.”

I recently read those words in an article on CNN.com. They continue to bounce around in my head as I struggle not to feel guilty about no longer always being at everyone else’s beck and call.  After years of volunteering for as much as possible, contributing to as much as possible, helping out committees of which I am not even a member and generally being immediately accessible to answer questions, dole out advice and more, learning to say no has been one of the greatest challenges I’ve faced.

But why?

If you are a serial over-committer, you probably lack the simple skill of being able to say no.  You feel bad about not helping.  You don’t want to make others mad.  You avoid conflict whenever possible.  Saying “sure, I’ll help you out” is the way around all of those negatives. 

When you begin to refocus your priorities, if you are like me, you feel incredibly guilty.  Learning to say “no” after years of always saying yes is no mean feat.  And, if you are like me, choosing to invest time in something such as getting healthy, working out, redirecting financial priorities or following a lifelong dream may just seem selfish. 

I’m struggling to remember it isn’t.  It has been helpful to recognize that some of the snarky reactions I receive when I say “no, I’m sorry, I won’t be able to take that on” are based on other people’s own selfishness.  Others don’t like to have their time and their priorities cut into.  Therefore, we over-committers need to remember that these same folks don’t seem to have a problem cutting into our time and priorities.

Each day on this new journey is a challenge. Here are some of the tools and thoughts I try to incorporate as the map and traffic signs of this new journey.

Prioritize.   For me, prioritizing means more than simply juggling all the balls in the air.  Sometimes, you have to learn to put yourself first. That may mean taking a few balls out of the rotation. Trouble is … if you’ve always responded with “sure, I’ll help you out” or if you’ve always run here or there because that is what works in someone else’s schedule, people just expect you to continue to do it. 

Remember Nancy Reagan.  Her drug prevention slogan was pretty simple:  “Just say no!”  Practice “no, thank you.”  It’s simple enough.  But, it’s still hard.  Remember the adage:  practice makes perfect.

Remember, saying “no” is not mean.  It is not selfish. Opting out of a task that will have costs may mean you are finally putting your family’s finances first.  Politely declining to add to your workload means you are simply making time for other activities.  Sometimes these priorities are parts of life others simply take for granted. After all, if others have no problem going to sleep at regular times or think having family meals is a normal part of life, then why shouldn’t you? Your health should be just as important to you as theirs is to them.  Remember, your family wants you to participate in their lives, to engage with them … just as other people’s families do.  If the people asking you for output aren’t taking “work” to Saturday morning soccer games, then why on earth should they be allowed to overburden you to the point where you have to?

Put yourself first.  If everyone else can, why can’t you?  If someone else thinks his or her schedule is more important, then you shouldn’t feel guilty if you start to finally place some importance on your own schedule.

Have a schedule.  Keep a calendar handy.  Note the time you need for things you want to accomplish – from making a family meal to having time for daily exercise.  Put everything on your calendar.  The next time someone asks you for something, say, “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.”  Then do just that. Taking time to look at your calendar that already has all the little boxes crammed full gives you perspective. 

Set “volunteer hours.”  When people call you for something, let them know that you’ll be happy to speak to them during your regular volunteer time.  Set a time.  Put it on your calendar.  If you stop always being available instantaneously, perhaps people will stop always taking advantage. Remember, you don’t need to make everyone else’s priority your own!  After all, these people do not care about your priorities. 

To do just that – keeping to my schedule – I’ve found it helpful to keep this little ditty in the back of my mind:

“Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”

Repeat.

Repeat repeatedly as needed.

Remember also that respect is a two-way street.  If you are disrespected over and over by those to whom you have given much, then walk away.  They can learn to do it themselves. 

You only get one life.  If everyone else wants to keep their own priorities, then learn to tell them "no" so you can keep to your own.  No one is going to get healthy for you.  No one can spend time with your family for you.  No one can sleep for you.  But, you can learn to make those things your own priority. 

Re-read.  Repeat.  Repeat repeatedly until you are able to ... finally .... just say "No."